Taking Stalk Of The Situation


August 11, 2017 by T. Gregory Argall

{SCENE: A park on a sunny afternoon. A man and woman walk towards each other on the path, nervously aware that they are walking towards each other.}

SHE:          (muttering to herself) Don’t be creepy, don’t be creepy, don’t be—Who’s being creepy? I’m not being creepy. I just happen to be walking in the same park he’s walking in, that’s all. Just a coincidence. Nothing creepy about that. Oh god, he’s coming this way.

HE:            (muttering to himself) She’s coming this way. Crap. What should I do? Act normal. Just act normal. Don’t freak out. Don’t be creepy. (out loud) Oh, hi… there.

SHE:          Oh, hey, you. Didn’t expect to see you here.

HE:            No, I come to the park all the time.

SHE:          Do you? Wow. Um. Me too.

HE:            Yeah, I love the park. Whenever I’m not somewhere else, I’m here.

SHE:          Yeah, me too.

HE:            I’ve, uh, never seen you here before. Honest.

SHE:          Yeah, me too. I mean. Really? I’m here nearly as much as you, maybe more.

HE:            Yeah?

SHE:          Well, sure. I mean I’m just guessing. I have no idea how much you’re here or anywhere else you go because I’ve never seen you here before. Or anywhere else.

HE:            Yeah. That would be weird if you did. (nervous laugh)

SHE:          Yeah. (nervous laugh) I mean except for that time I was at the same place as you.

HE:            Right. Well that’s the only time we’ve met, isn’t it? So of course you were there.

SHE:          Yeah, of course.

HE:            That day.

SHE:          Ooh, that day. Who could forget? That day… at…

HE:            …at…

SHE:          (simultaneously) The coffee shop.

HE:            (simultaneously) The bus stop.

SHE:          Right, I mean bus stop.

HE:            The one by the coffee shop.

SHE:          Yeah, that sounds right.

HE:            So… what’s new? What have you been up to since, uh, that time… you had coffee at the bus stop?

SHE:          Oh, not much. Just the usual. The yoozh. The same old same old. No biggie. And you?

HE:            Oh, keeping myself busy, you know. Bit of this, bit of that. Always on the go, doing stuff, going places, on the move.

SHE:          Well you certainly look busy whenever I see you. I mean, if I were to see you, I’m sure you’d look busy. I don’t know.

HE:            Right. So do you. I mean, now, today, here, the only time I’ve seen you since that other time that was the only time I’d seen you. Before now, I mean.

SHE:          Sure. Right. Yeah.

HE:            Yeah.

SHE:          (simultaneously) You have—

HE:            (simultaneously) You have—

SHE:          Oh, um. Go ahead.

HE:            No you first.

SHE:          Really? Are you sure.

HE:            Oh, yeah. Definitely.

SHE:          I was just going to say, you know, because I just noticed now and not for any, I don’t know, weird reason, just that I happened to notice…

HE:            Yes..?

SHE:          You, um, you have lovely eyes.

HE:            Oh good.

SHE:          Good?

HE:            Yeah. I mean, it’s good that that’s what you were going to say because I was going to say the same thing. But about you. Your eyes, I mean. You have lovely eyes.

SHE:          Thank you.

HE:            But I was worried I’d sound creepy if I just said it, like a stalker or something. But you said it to me first, so that’s cool.

SHE:          Yeah. (nervous laugh) And I’m not a stalker. I’m not stalking you.

HE:            Me neither. Definitely not a stalker. Not stalking you.

SHE:          Nope. No way.

HE:            Not at all.

SHE:          I mean, as if. (nervous laugh)

HE:            Yeah, as if. (nervous laugh)


SHE:          (simultaneously) I’m stalking you.

HE:            (simultaneously) I’m stalking you.

SHE:          What?

HE:            You’re..?

SHE:          Stalking..?

HE:            (simultaneously) Me?

SHE:          (simultaneously) Me?

HE:            Well that explains so much.

SHE:          Wow, yeah. I thought you were just really boring.

HE:            So did I. I mean, you never really went anywhere.

SHE:          Neither did you. You just walked around all day. Like all day.

HE:            I know. I was following you and you never went anywhere either.

SHE:          That’s because I was following you.

HE:            Wow, what are the odds?

SHE:          Yeah, this is so funny.

HE:            Yeah. So, um, what do we do now?

SHE:          Ooh, yeah, good question. I don’t know how I’ll fill my time now. I mean, I quit my job so I could follow you around.

HE:            Yeah, so did I.

SHE:          I wondered why you did that.

HE:            Now you know. Same reason as you.

SHE:          This might sound kind of weird, but it’s really sweet that you’d do that for me. No one’s ever quit their job so they could stalk me before.

HE:            As far as you know.

SHE:          As far as I know.

HE:            Well, if it helps, I didn’t see anyone creeping around while I was following you.

SHE:          Neither did I.

HE:            That’s a relief.

SHE:          I, um, I have an idea, something that we could, you know, do. Now that we know we’re each other’s stalkers.

HE:            We should kiss?

SHE:          Well, it is something I’ve been dreaming of for a long time now.

HE:            Me, too.

SHE:          And then… after the kiss…

HE:            (simultaneously) We can go have sex.

SHE:          (simultaneously) We can go have sex.

HE:            That’s a great idea. Your apartment or mine?

SHE:          Well my place is a bit of a mess right now.

HE:            I know.

SHE:          But I should feed my cat. I’ve been neglecting her.

HE:            How about this… You go to my place while I go to you place to feed your cat. Then when I get home you can surprise me?

SHE:          Sounds good. Here, I’ll give you my spare key so you can get in to feed her.

HE:            I’ve got my own key for your place.

SHE:          Awww, of course you do. That’s so sweet. I’ve got a key for your place too.

HE:            Wonderful.

SHE:          The cat food is—

HE:            Second shelf of the pantry, beside the instant soup.

SHE:          Impressive. So… Kiss?

HE:            Let’s.

(They kiss, then step back, pondering.)

SHE:          Hurm…

HE:            Huh.

SHE:          Was that..?

HE:            Yeah, I got nothing from that.

SHE:          Me, neither. Didn’t do a thing for me.

HE:            I thought it would be more… I don’t know… more.

SHE:          Yeah, me, too.

HE:            It’s a little disappointing, really.

SHE:          Disappointing. Yeah.

HE:            Sorry about that.

SHE:          No, don’t be. I’m sorry too. I just…

HE:            Yeah. Same here.

SHE:          So… um… I’m going to get going.  I have to, um…

HE:            Feed your cat.

SHE:          Feed my cat. Right.

HE:            I should go… find a job.

SHE:          I should do that too.

HE:            Good luck.

SHE:          You too.

HE:            Bye.

SHE:          Bye.



Try to be nice to each other.



One thought on “Taking Stalk Of The Situation

  1. […] few weeks ago I shared a script/sketch showing the awkward moment when two people realize they’ve been stalking each other. This sketch follows up, a few months […]

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