Questionable Questions

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January 13, 2017 by T. Gregory Argall

My wife and I may have accidentally stumbled into a bad habit.

You see, when there’s nothing really interesting on television, we tend to just read a book or play games or talk smack to the cat. But we’ll leave the TV on, flipped over to GSN, the Family Feud Channel, so we’ve got a bit of background noise.

Normally that doesn’t happen often, but over the holidays all of the good shows and most of the bad ones were on hiatus and there was absolutely nothing on most nights. So we’ve had a lot of Family Feud playing in the background lately.

For those who have been living in a cave since Richard Dawson started kissing strangers for fun and profit, and are unfamiliar with Family Feud, it’s a gameshow. Two teams, made up of members of two different families, compete to see which family is better at guessing weird and twisted answers to weird and twisted questions. And then Steve Harvey gets all shocked and righteous on y’all for being funnier than him.
In order to gather the data for the questions, they have an army of survey takers swarming into malls and bus stations and WalMarts all across America. Each question is asked of one hundred people, and the families get points based on how many people gave the same answer they come up with.
And there have been some pretty bizarre questions. The whole thing seems designed to get people to say the word “penis” in front of their grandmother. And then pretend to be shocked.

Recent questions I have heard on actual episodes include:
“How can you tell your girlfriend is turning into a cat?” (Purring, growing whiskers, and using the litter box were among the answers.)
“Name something that has white balls.” (Golf, ping pong, and white dudes were among the answers.)
“What was the last thing you stuck your finger in?” (Mouth, nose, and wife were among the answers.)
“What is something you wouldn’t want to see hit the floor when a woman removes her bra?” (Tissues, dollar bills, and her breasts were among the answers.)

It’s gotten to the point where I almost feel sorry for the survey takers. (Surveyists? Surveyers? Surveyologists?) I started to wonder if there are any questions that they refuse to ask. Do they get their clipboards in the morning, scan the list of questions, and pause, shaking their heads and scrunching up their faces? “Sorry, Mr. Harvey, I’ll ask people to name something they’ll put in their mouth and not swallow, but I won’t ask them that. Uh uh. We have to draw the line somewhere.”

What would those questions be?

We asked one hundred people, “On a scale of 1 to 10 how much do you enjoy changing diapers on other people’s babies?”

Seven” was the number one answer.

 

We asked one hundred people, “If you had to dismember your neighbour’s corpse, what body part would you cut off first?”

Head” was the number one answer.

 

We asked one hundred people, “What time is it?”

About a quarter to four” was the number one answer.

 

We asked one hundred men, “Where will your wife hide your body when she kills you?”

Trunk of my girlfriend’s car” was the number one answer.

 

We asked one hundred people, “What age were you the first time you had sex in church?”

Sixteen” was the number one answer.

 

We asked one hundred people, “Really? Are you sure?”

Pretty sure, yeah” was the number one answer.

 

We asked one hundred people, “How much would a certain celebrity have to pay for you to not tell anyone about what happened last Saturday?”

Make me an offer” was the number one answer.

 

We asked one hundred people, “Would you accept one million dollars to kill a random stranger?”

Who are you and what are you doing in my house?” was the number one answer.

 

We asked one hundred people "Wanna see my boobs?"

Can I touch ’em?” was the number one answer.

 

We asked one hundred people, "Oh, for Christ's sake, where did you lose your pants this time?"

I WANT A PUPPY! GET ME A PUPPY!” was the number one answer.

 

When all is said and done, I’m pretty sure Joey Fatone is the only voice of reason in the whole place.

Try to be nice to each other.

tga

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