Meanwhile, High Above The City…

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January 6, 2017 by T. Gregory Argall

“The hero floats above the city, ever vigilant, his watchful eye scanning the streets far below for the slightest hint of danger that may befall the citizens he has sworn to protect, his billowing cape wafting in the high altitude winds, spreading like a shield over the innocent–“

“Hi.”

“Aaahhhhh! Shit. Don’t do that. You scared the hell out of me.”

“Oh. Sorry about that.”

“No problem. It’s all good. I just… you know, didn’t expect anyone to be up here, that’s all.”

“Nah, that’s cool. I get it. (pause) So… you’re a superhero.”

“Yes, I am.”

“Cool. Me too.  Nice to meet you. What’s your name?”

“I am… The Mighty Bringer of Justice!”

“Wow. That’s a little intense, don’t you think?”

“It conveys the proper impression, I think. It indicates that I have great powers but the innocent need not fear me.”

“Sure. If you say so.”

“Well, what are you called?”

“Dave.”

“Oh.”

“So, what are doing?”

“I was, uh, practicing my internal monologue.”

“Uh huh. Sounded a little external to me.”

“What?”

“I mean, I could hear it. Which, I think, normally, isn’t really the goal with an internal monologue. I’m not judging, I’m just saying, it seems a little weird, just hovering here two miles in the air talking to yourself. You know, first impressions and all.”

“I didn’t actually expect to meet anyone up here.”

“Clearly.”

“I mean, this high up it’s not unreasonable to expect some privacy and– …What have you got there? Are you eating candy?”

“Reese’s Pieces. They’re yummy. Want some?”

“No. Thank you, but no.”

“Suit yourself. But if– Whoops.”

“Whoops? What whoops?”

“Oh, I just dropped one. No biggie.”

“You dropped a Reese’s Pieces? From up here?”

“Piece. Singular.”

“Whatever. A singular Reece’s Piece dropped from a vertical altitude of two miles will accelerate as it plummets; by the time it reaches the ground it will possess the deadly velocity of a screaming bullet!”

“You talk funny.”

“What?”

“I don’t mean your voice. I just mean the way you phrase things. You ever listen to yourself? ‘The deadly velocity of a screaming bullet.’ I mean, who talks like that? It’s funny.”

“Never mind that. What about the Reese? I mean the piece.”

“No problem, just another pot hole in the road to match all the other pot holes. No one’s gonna notice.”

“What if it hit someone?”

“Fear not, valiant hero, for it has impacted upon no one. Jesus. It actually hurt me to talk like that. How do you do it? Oh, and another thing… Vertical altitude? That’s just redundant. All altitude is vertical. No one says, ‘horizontal altitude,’ they just point and say, ‘Over there.'”

“Not necessarily. What if Doctor Magnetovitch tilted the Earth ninety degrees on its axis? Then horizontal would be vertical and vertical would be horizontal.”

“Okay, first all. That’s not gonna happen. If it did, we’d all die. Including Doctor Magnetovitch. No one would be around to care about horizontal altitudes and vertical horizons. Second of all, vertical, as a concept, would still be determined as perpendicular to the planet’s surface. Up would continue to be the opposite of down, even if gravity stopped.”

“Hey, I remember you now. You used to be Thundertank’s sidekick, didn’t you? But then he fired you because you wouldn’t stop talking.”

“He didn’t fire me. We just decided, mutually, to go our separate ways, that’s all. It had nothing to do with me enjoying a good conversation.”

“Right. Then why did he fire you?”

“I wasn’t fired.”

“Okay, why did you mutually agree to go separate ways?”

“It was nothing… It was just a stupid difference of opinion, that’s all.”

“Uh huh. What happened?”

“I… uh… I accidentally killed a squirrel when I dropped a chocolate covered raisin from a mile and a half above the park.”

“Get out of here.”

“No, really, that’s what happened.”

“No, I mean literally, get out of here, as in away from me. I can’t been seen with a squirrel killer. Children idolize me. I’ve got a reputation to maintain.”

“Oh. Okay. You wanna, like, go for a beer sometime or something?”

“Go. Be gone.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Try to be nice to each other.

tga

 

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