Praise Be To Lloyd


September 30, 2016 by T. Gregory Argall

I’m thinking of starting a religion.

Not just for the tax advantages (although those are unjustifiably good), but also because the idea of enticing people to work against their own best interests as a species sounds fun and amusing as well as pathetically easy.

All it takes to start a powerful religion is a simple message of peace and kindness, and I’ve already got one of those. I’ve used it to sign off my blog entries every week for the last couple of years: “Try to be nice to each other.” That’s pretty good, huh? You could build a nice, peaceful, inclusive religion around that sort of unconditional advice.

So, obviously, the next step is to put conditions on it. “Try to be nice to each other, except for {arbitrarily chosen group of people}.

The challenge is to arbitrarily chose the right group of people to target. The major religions have already taken all the good ones; “people with skin pigment”, “people who love each other”, “women who think”, and the classic “anyone who isn’t us.”

I’ve chosen a couple of targets for the conditions my new love-everyone religion. For the first one I’m going to go a little bit old-school and pick “left-handed people.” Further, I’m also going to include “people with mullets.” In order to provoke diverse interpretations and compel different sects I kept the conditions deliberately vague. For example, what about ambidextrous people? Do they count? And while people who clearly have chosen to cultivate a full-on mullet are easy to identify, should someone who just needs a haircut but hasn’t had the time also be ostracized as a Mulletist? These are valid questions that people can come to fisticuffs over.

One of the most enjoyable aspects of starting a religion from scratch if the fun of naming your god.  The name of my religion’s god will be… Lloyd Shabadoo.
Followers of the Church of the Hallowed Shabadoo will be known as Shadoobies (just like in that Rolling Stones song). We will gather on the Sabbath, Wednesday, to join together in singing “La La La,” to loudly laud our Lord, Lloyd.

There will be those who will choose to follow only the first part of the holy edict, ignoring the exceptions laid out in the word of Lloyd. They’ll be nice to everyone regardless of penmanship or hairstyle. These people will become known as heretics and will be shunned by the truly faithful, the Orthodox Shadoobies, who will rain down upon them Lloyd’s vengeful yet loving wrath, inflicting them with a plague of split ends and dulling the blades of their left-handed scissors. Their children shall wail in agony at the eternal damnation they have created with their deviant, two-handed lifestyle choice.

Actually, that seems a tad extreme, doesn’t it? You know what, let’s just skip the religion part of it all and go straight to the message.

Try to be nice to each other.


One thought on “Praise Be To Lloyd

  1. […] Praise Be To Lloyd The challenges of starting a religion for fun and prophet. […]

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