July 15, 2016 by T. Gregory Argall
I was having a meandering conversation with a friend the other day. You know the sort of conversation I mean; no set topic, sort of free-form, drifting from topic to topic, like dialogue written by a goldfish. One thing led to another we found ourselves briefly discussing the marketability of the Fellatio Café that will be opening soon in Geneva, Switzerland.
For those who aren’t aware of the Swiss approach to “Rhymes-with-Starbucks,” well, prepare yourselves for a business venture that’s on the rise. You see, prostitution is legal in Switzerland, provided you’ve got all the proper permits. The corporate pimps and proud humanitarians at Facegirl (one of the great online trailblazers in the field of Alpine snogging) are taking steps to expand their business model. They will be opening a café/brothel where customers can order a latté with oral sex. Just what you need to get motivated in the morning; a shot of caffeine and face in your crotch. That’ll cure your Monday Blahs.
Anyway, in our conversation we considered the crucial questions related to such a business venture.
What, if any, impact this will have on local tourism? Is this a unique enough approach to the sex trade to warrant actually travelling to Europe, or at least making a side trip while you’re touring Europe anyway?
Will new editions of traveler’s phrasebooks include multi-lingual versions of the question, “Why does the barista have kneepads?”
Will they have a loyal card program, offering a free hummer after your tenth coffee purchase?
What’s their slogan? Come for the coffee, stay for the– no, wait, that doesn’t work.
That, of course, segued to my main point; the coffee had better be damned good. This particular point of view surprised my friend, who thought that getting oral sex was the whole point of an oral sex café.
Clearly, she doesn’t understand the importance of coffee.
And so I shared with her the traditional Canadian fable of Krispy Kreme.
About ten years ago (maybe longer, I can’t recall) American doughnut moguls Krispy Kreme attempted to enter the Canadian market to compete with Tim Hortons. The set out to accomplish this through binge-marketing, an extensive pre-opening media campaign, and total market saturation. They opened hundreds of locations across Canada in a single week. (I think. My memory may be a bit fuzzy on the specific details.)
It was an instant success. The advance marketing had aroused an unstoppable level of curiosity in the Canadian consumer and people were lining up, waiting hours, to try the near-legendary Krispy Kreme doughnuts. And, lo, the doughnuts were good. They were very good. They were exceptionally delicious and incredibly tasty. Exponentially yummy.
People left Tim Hortons in droves, heading for the delectable food treasures offered by Krispy Kreme.
However, as good as the doughnuts were, the coffee at Krispy Kreme was horrible. It was skull-punchingly bad coffee.
And that was their downfall. Because of the bad coffee, within a year there were less than half a dozen Krispy Kreme stores in Canada. (Again, my recollection of the timeline and numbers may be a little fuzzy.)
The point of this parable, I concluded, is that, sure, a majority of the population enjoys a good blowjob, but it doesn’t matter how good your main product is, if your coffee also sucks then you won’t be able to keep it up for long.
(Now click here.)
Try to be nice to each other.