The Other 45

2

February 26, 2016 by T. Gregory Argall

Paul Simon’s 1975 hit, “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover” is a classic song recounting various techniques to both induce and escape heartache. However, it falls significantly short in the category of mathematical accuracy.

The chorus melodically advises the listener to “Just slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. You don’t need to be coy, Roy. Just get yourself free.” Mr. Simon then further suggests that the listener simply “Hop on the bus, Gus. You don’t need to discuss much. Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free.”

Even allowing for the absence of coyness and vaguely new planning to count as definitive methods for abandoning someone with whom you have shared great intimacy, that’s still only five ways to leave your lover. Where are the other 45 ways to leave your lover, Mr. Simon? Did you think we wouldn’t count them? Thought you could con us into accepting 10% down with no follow up?

paul-simon-50-ways-to-leave-your-lover-cbs-4

But now, after four decades of intense research and study under the direction of Professor Heinrich Gilligan at the Institute for Song Lyric Arbitrary Number Demystification (Gilligan’s I.S.L.A.N.D.) we can now reveal the other 45 ways of lover leaving.

Give her a goodbye wave, Dave.

Just run away, Ray.

Don’t answer the phone, Joan.

Get on your bike, Mike.

Lock the gate, Kate.

Run down the hill, Bill.

Leave him out in the rain, Jane.

Turn the doorknob, Bob.

Hop away on one leg, Greg.

Climb out the window, Movinder.
(This method only works if you pronounce “window” with a sort of semi-guttural accent that makes it sound like in ends in “R.”)

Leave him drinking gin, Lynn.

Write a note with a pen, Ken.

Write a separate note with a different pen, Jen.

Get out in a hurry, Murray.

Bake a farewell cake, Blake.

Leave some candy, Andy.

Move to New York, Björk.

Give her up for Lent, Kent.

Get off the lawn, Ron.

Twist his nose, Rose.

Escape to bliss, Chris.

Hide under your hat, Matt.

Leave on a whim, Tim.

Change your name to Eric, Derek.

Don’t stop for a hug, Doug.

Just say, “No,” Joe.

Go for a walk, Jacques.

Tell him he’s too moody, Judy.

Give her a hanky, Frankie.

Leave him at the zoo, Sue.

Take a train to anywhere, Claire.

Leave her in a tizzy, Izzy.

Tell her you’re bored, Gord.

Have no regret, Brett.

Don’t get caught, Scott.

Leave her a Dorito, Tito.

Sweep it all in the dustbin, Justin.

Pretend you’re dead, Fred.

Hop on a freight train, Blaine.

Say you’re in a jam, Pam.

Just cut loose, Bruce.

Leave her at the party, Marty.

Send him a dead fish, Trish.

Know when it’s time to go, Moe.

Just simply leave, Steve.

I think that’s all, Paul.
Keep on rhymin’, Simon.
Great. Now I can’t stop, Pop.

Try to be nice to each other, Brother.
(And sister. You thought I’d missed her.)

tga

 

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2 thoughts on “The Other 45

  1. gmatt63 says:

    This has been a bane of my existence for quite some time. I’ve actually avoided relationships altogether, afraid that I’d have no way out. I’m posting my suggestions on Twitter for new ways. Let’s hope that one day we can end this nightmare.

  2. […] The Other 45 Paul Simon only reveal five of the alleged fifty ways to leave your lover. Here are the rest. […]

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