The Audition


August 7, 2015 by T. Gregory Argall

Hey, how’s it going? I’m Miranda Sorento. As you know. Hi. Yeah, I was in “Five Doors, Three Women” a couple of years ago. Which you directed. I was Maureen? Yeah. With the… Right. Anyhoo, for my prepared piece I’m gonna do a sort of modernized version of Juliet’s balcony speech from “Romeo and Juliet,” by William Shakespeare. It’s done as text messages. Well, it’s like she’s sending him text messages. Romeo. Text messages to Romeo. Right.

(takes out a cell phone)

Okay. Ready? Right. Here it is.

(slips into the character of a teenaged girl, pacing back and forth, and texting on her phone)

O M G. Romes. Where R U? Send. Don’t listen to your dad. You’re not him. Be you, don’t be your name. Send. Or, if you gotta keep the name for like money or whatever, I’m totally cool with that, so just like tell me you love me and I’ll totally ditch my name. Send. I will totes not be a Capulet anymore. I hate that name, anyway. It’s so lame. Send. Your name is the prob, not you. You’re just you, not a Montague. Bracket, bracket, where’s the brackets? There. Also a lame name. Other bracket. Send. What’s that mean, anyway? Montague. Nothing good. Nothing useful. Nothing you need. Send. It’s not like your hand or your foot or your arm or your face. Or any of your, you know, man parts, or whatever. Send. — Crap, I totally shouldn’t have sent that. — So, like, pick some other name, dude. Send. Like, if I had a rose but I didn’t call it a rose, I called it something else instead, like, I D K, a habblefarb or something, it would still smell really nice. Send. So, if instead of Romeo, you were called like Randy or Josh or whatever you’d still be like super hot and really sweet. Send. Come on, Romes, doff that lame name your dad gave you and just be you. Send. ‘Cause I would totally go out with you. Send.

(pause, smile)

That’s it. Thanks. Hope you liked it. I’d really like to get a part in this show. Really.


Whatever you’re trying out for, try to be nice to each other.



One thought on “The Audition

  1. Billp says:

    I was only ever on a couple of audition panels, but I learned a fun thing. When you get an audition like the one above, you write “110” up in the corner of the resume. If anyone sees it, you can say something like “They were giving a 110%” or whatever. Then when all the hopefuls are gone, you write a diagonal line between the ones, so that “110” becomes “NO”. Saves time later on.

    Oh and… ‘wherefore’ means ‘why’, godammit.

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