February 13, 2015 by T. Gregory Argall
“Oh, no. Not the obligatory Valentine’s Day blog posting!” I hear you cry in dismay. “You never do those at TGA Fridays.”
It’s true, I never have done Valentine’s posting, but doing one now isn’t my decision. I kind of have to. The Blog Union of Blathering Bloggers Association (BUBBA) Rules & By-Laws Handbook clearly states in Section 27-b, sub-section F14, part viii, paragraph 3, “In the case of blogs with whim-based and/or randomly defined topic guidelines, all socially mytholocized, made-up holidays must be acknowledged a minimum of once every five years.”
So I really have no choice. What BUBBA wants, BUBBA gets.
Besides, everyone’s thoughts are naturally turning to the topic of woo lately, with all the discussion of Kanye West’s tragically blunderful attempts to win the heart of Beyonce Knowles. It’s heartbreaking watching him bring his complete absence of social skills to bear as he tries to prove himself worthy of her love. Which he obviously isn’t.
Ignoring for the moment the fact his blatant and failed philandering shows incredible disrespect to everyone from A to Jay-Z, including the entire nation of Kardashia, his “love” is clearly bad for Beyonce.
By storming the Grammy stage (once again) to insult an award-winner, Kanye has (once again) damaged Beyonce’s reputation. People have been quick to come to Beck’s defense and comparing Beyone’s artistry to Beck’s own. Sadly, Beyonce has become a collateral target of derision when she did nothing wrong. All she did was not win a Grammy, and suddenly everyone is pointing out that, although she has a good singing voice, she chooses to waste it on recordings with minimal musical merit. So what? She’s not the bad guy here. That’s Kanye.
And while Beck showed an astounding level of class by not kicking Kanye right in the stones, it would be nice to see Beyonce bury a boot in Mr. West’s balls, and maybe get a restraining order against him, too.
Anyway, I’m not here to rant about the douchebaggery of Kanye West. That’s like ranting about the wetness of water or the solidity of bricks; everyone knows about it but, sadly, it’s not going to change.
No, I’m here to give you helpful and timely advice in your quest for Valentine’s Day romance.
Here is a list of things not to do while enjoying a romantic dinner for two.
- Don’t bring a portable defibrillator. Yes, it’s admirable that you want to be prepared for any contingency (good for you), be having a defibrillator on the table, even if you’re just having drinks, tends to cast a shadow over any potential romance. If you feel that you absolutely must have a defibrillator on hand at some point, save it for the morning.
- Try to avoid weaponry, at least during dinner. It’s true that nothing exemplifies love and romance quite like a bit of roadside archery, but a quiver of arrows and a recurve bow will just clutter up a candlelit table for two.
- Don’t assault the wait staff at the restaurant. It’s just rude, and your date won’t be at all impressed if at blood splatters or random teeth landing in their Vichyssoise.
- Don’t juggle spaghetti except under controlled conditions with proper supervision. While it is an impressive talent (no matter what Guinness thinks), there is a proper time and place for everything and a romantic dinner is not the place for spaghetti juggling.
- Having sex on a unicycle should only be attempted by trained professionals. A wobbly, unbalanced crotch is no place for an enthusiastic amateur.
That’s enough don’ts for now. You should be fine with those and one do.
Do try to be nice to each other.