The Newest News You’ll Now Know

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November 7, 2014 by T. Gregory Argall

I was just sitting there, minding my own business, not tampering with the laws of temporal physics at all, when a small time vortex suddenly opened in my living room and an iPad from 2047 fell out, landing in my lap.
I’m guessing it was a large-print edition because it was about three feet wide and four feet high. Also, when I turned it on, the first thing on the screen was a upgrade login code for accessing the World Wide Mind Web, with a condescending comment about how only old people still read things on devices.
Despite its size, the iPad only weighed about half an ounce. I could have balanced it on my finger and forgotten it was there, if not for the constant distraction of Siri. With the Apple iOS Infinity.2 Siri has been upgraded to the point that she now has the voice and speech patterns of a porn star. She gets disturbingly enthusiastic about any mention of connecting through a USB port.
Never missing an opportunity to exploit a Biff Tannen Sports Almanac moment, I browsed through the downloaded files on the giant tablet just to see what things will be like in 2047.

This is what I found…


In 2047 Betty White is enjoying her third term as President of the United States. She is the most popular Commander in Chief since the second day of Penn Jillette’s presidency, thanks in part to her nearly flawless record of success in resolving problems. She has settled countless international disputes by saying something shocking and sassy then smiling at the camera with confused innocence. In candid conversation she has said that it’s all in the delivery.
She did experience a slight dip in the popularity polls mid-way through her second term amid allegations that her surprising longevity was the result of a serum made from the brain fluid of newborn babies and the stem cells of old people. She quietly dispelled the rumours by saying something shocking and sassy then smiling at the camera with confused innocence.
At the time, Secretary of State Abe Vigoda commented on the matter while addressing the White House Press Corps, saying, “Dear God, why am I here? Why won’t she just let me die? Are we having pudding today? I like pudding.” He then went on to say, “This tube itches. Are you sure it’s in the right hole, Barney? Look at my arms. They’re like pincushions.”

2042 was a record-setting year for McDonalds Restaurants, when they introduced the McSoylent Green Burger (and the McSoylent Green Cheeseburger). Burger King attempted a marketing counter-attack by introducing their Roadkill Whopper, but the sales came nowhere near McDonalds’ profits. The decades-long Burger Wars were finally settled when a squad of covert McCommandos launched a mortar attack on the Burger King headquarters in Miami. By the following morning 93% of the Burger King locations worldwide had changed their flags and sworn allegiance to McDonalds. The remaining 7% were bought up by Arby’s and closed soon after.
By 2046, there was a Starbucks Coffeehouse located inside every McDonalds restaurant in the United States. By 2047 there was a Starbucks in every home in the United States and half of Canada. With a bold disregard for the concept of Market Saturation, Starbucks announced plans to open satellite locations in the basements and tool sheds of many of the homes they currently service.

In the early 2040’s vintage audio technology cycled around again on a wave of nostalgia, this time bringing 8-track tapes back in vogue. Soon every hovercar was modified with an 8-track tape player mounted in the dashboard. For the authentic experience, the more expensive models would actually jam right at your favourite part of the song and then chew the tape up beyond all hope of repair.
You can order one from wwmw.Amazon.mars

On Easter Day 2046 Shaneequa’a Davis, a widowed mother of two living in Chicago, won the Papal Lottery, an online contest to choose a new Pope. It was only when hundreds of reporters showed up on her doorstep that Mrs. Davis found out that she was to be the new leader of the Catholic church. In her first statement to the press she said, “Papal Lottery? I thought it was the Pay Pal Lottery. I was gonna buy a bunch of stuff online. Oh, well. I guess being Pope is kind of cool, too.”
Taking the name Pope Li’l Sweetness the First, her first official act as the head of the Vatican was to replace Communion wine with Appletinis. After meeting with a delegation of Irish Cardinals, the edict was adjusted to allow for the use of whatever alcohol is most popular in each parish.
The next two weeks saw a sharp increase in both whisky sales and Catholic converts in Ireland and Scotland.


Whatever your future holds, try to be nice to each other.



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