The Theat-Ear Stage

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October 3, 2014 by T. Gregory Argall

A while ago I wrote some audio plays, many of which were comedy scenes based on a character I created for a friend of mine.
Since then, they have basically sat in my computer gathering cyber-dust. That isn’t due to a lack of interest; it’s because of a lack of schedules and proximities meshing. Yes, I’m blaming time and space. We’re simply never together in the same place at the same time long enough to get the project completed.
But someday, hopefully someday soon, the incredibly talented and brilliantly hilarious Marsali Federico and I will manage to record all of the audio plays and share them with the world.
I promise.

Meanwhile, here’s a sample…

The Unlikely Adventures of Boopsie Cleavager, Freelance Receptionist

Episode One: Puppies Of Doom

(“Whistling Boopsie” theme song, fade out)

SFX: telephone ringing

BOOPSIE: Suell, Hatt and Narlieboots, how may I direct your call? (pause) Thank you.

SFX: telephone ringing

BOOPSIE: Suell, Hatt and Narlieboots, how may I direct your call? (pause) Thank you.

SFX: telephone ringing

BOOPSIE: Suell, Hatt and Narlieboots, how may I direct your call? (pause) Thank you.

NARLIEBOOTS: Miss Cleavager?

BOOPSIE: Hello, Mr. Narlieboots.

NARLIEBOOTS: Have you got a moment..?

BOOPSIE: Of course, Mr. Narlieboots, I–

SFX: telephone ringing

BOOPSIE: Oop. Excuse me a moment… Suell, Hatt and Narlieboots, how may I direct your call? (pause) Thank you. (pause) Yes, Mr. Narlieboots, what can I do for you?

NARLIEBOOTS: As I’m sure you’re aware, Miss Cleavager, the duration of your temporary work contract will expire soon.

BOOPSIE: Today, actually.

NARLIEBOOTS: Yes, and it was with that factor in mind that the other partners, Mr. Suell and Mrs. Hatt, and I met to discuss the possibility of extending your contract.

BOOPSIE: (excitedly) Oh.

NARLIEBOOTS: You see, Miss Cleavager, uh, Boopsie, in the short time you’ve been with our firm, you’ve proven yourself to be an invaluable asset to the daily function of the company.

BOOPSIE: (still excited) Oh, thank you, sir.

NARLIEBOOTS: We, the other partners and I, felt that if it was at all feasible, an adjustment should be made to the operating budget in order to facilitate the continuance of your contract and retain your exemplary administrative services.

BOOPSIE: (yet still excited) Oooooh..?

NARLIEBOOTS: We reviewed the quarterly budgets as well as the projected expenditures for the entire fiscal years, looking for any monies at all that could be diverted to this purpose and–

SFX: door banging open as zombie shuffles in

ZOMBIE: Braaaains. Braaaaaaaaains. Brains? Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaainsss…

BOOPSIE: Oh, my goodness, Mr. Narlieboots! Look out!

SFX: sword being unsheathed and swiped through the air

ZOMBIE: Br–

SFX: severed head thumping on the floor

SFX: headless body dropping to the floor

NARLIEBOOTS: My word, Miss Cleavager. You just killed that zombie. Most impressive.

BOOPSIE: Simply defending the company’s interests, Mr. Narlieboots.

NARLIEBOOTS: Yes, quite. Well done. But… where did you get the sword? I don’t recall seeing it before.

BOOPSIE: Oh, this? I just keep it here, tucked between–

NARLIEBOOTS: Oh, my. Careful you don’t nick them. That would be a shame.

BOOPSIE: Oooh, thank you.

NARLIEBOOTS: Not at all.

BOOPSIE: Now, you were saying, Mr. Narlieboots..?

NARLIEBOOTS: Hmmm? Was I? Oh, yes. Your contract.

BOOPSIE: (excited again) Yes..?

NARLIEBOOTS: Yes, it turns out the funds could not be allocated at this time and hence we will not be renewing your contract. Today is, in fact, your last day with Suell, Hatt and Narlieboots.

BOOPSIE: Oh. (pause) Well I suppose I should be going, then.

NARLIEBOOTS: Yes. It’s been a pleasure, Miss Cleavager.

BOOPSIE: Ummm, right. Well, goodbye, then. I–

SFX: door banging open as another zombie shuffles in

OTHER ZOMBIE: Braaaaaains..?

BOOPSIE: Oh. Visitor for you, Mr. Narlieboots.

OTHER ZOMBIE: Braaaains.

NARLIEBOOTS: Another zombie? Quick, Miss Cleavager. Kill it with you sword.

BOOPSIE: What was that, Mr. Narlieboots? You’re extending my contract?

NARLIEBOOTS: I’m sorry, it’s just not in the budget. Just kill the–

OTHER ZOMBIE: Braaaaaaains…

BOOPSIE: Oh, well then you have a wonderful day, Mr. Narlieboots. Goodbye.

SFX: door closing

SFX: zombie chewing on flesh

NARLIEBOOTS: It’s just– Aaahhhhhhhh! Just not in the budget. I– Aaaaaaaaaahhh!

SFX: telephone ringing

NARLIEBOOTS: Ugh! Aaaaaaahh! Somebody answer the phone, please. Aaaaaaaaahh!

(“Whistling Boopsie” theme song, fade in)

*end*

As always, try to be nice to each other.

tga

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