March 28, 2014 by T. Gregory Argall
Here’s a reality show I’d like to see, a reality show that I’d actually watch.
I call it, “The Guy Beside You.”
The thing about this show is that the viewer is also the contestant. See, a viewer is chosen and placed in front of a television. In the chair beside him is a second contestant, “The Challenger,” whose task it is to distract the first contestant from watching the television, which is showing live footage of the second person trying to distract the first.
You follow me?
There are little optical sensors set up all around the TV set that will register if the first person actually looks away from the TV screen. The challenger must remain is physical contact with his chair at all times or face disqualification. Beyond that, anything is permitted for the purposes of “distraction” including outright assault. The challenger can use whatever props he brings with him, excluding traditional weapons. You know, like guns, knives, crossbows.
A rocket launcher.
That sort of thing. Not permitted.
The first contestant, however, gets a gun but there are only three bullets in it.
The challenger is replaced whenever they become incapacitated due to unconsciousness or, you know, death, or every ten minutes, whichever comes first. If the challenger actually manages to distract the viewer enough to trigger the optical sensors, then the viewer loses and the challenger gets bumped up to the viewer position.
To win, you have to resist the distractions of eight different challengers.
Do that and you win a million dollars.
There’s a bonus of two hundred and fifty thousand dollars for each bullet still in the gun.
The host is either Gilbert Gottfried or Carrot Top.
That’s incentive enough right there to save the bullets till the end.
That’s a show I’d watch.
At least once. Maybe twice.
What’s this “Gay Agenda” I keep hearing about on some news channels and in certain places on the internet?
Some of my friends happen to be gay and some of those gay friends happen to be horribly disorganized. Rarely on time. Never sure exactly where they are supposed to be or what time they should be there. You can’t make plans with them because they can’t remember if they’re doing anything next weekend or not. Sometimes, their outfits don’t even coordinate.
I’m not kidding. It’s like our stereotypes mean nothing to them.
But, hey, they’re friends. You forgive stuff like that.
I’m thinking this “Gay Agenda” thing might be just what they need to get some structure and planning into their lives. At the very least, they’ll be able to keep office meetings on-topic.
Does anyone know where I can buy a Gay Agenda? Something I could give as a gift, so not too pricey. Can you get them at Staples or Target or someplace like that? Or do you have to go to the specialty supply stores like Gay Depot or Hobby Lobby?
Maybe I could make them at home. They say a gift you make yourself means more. (Of course, they usually say that after they’ve seen the price of the ones in the store.) So, I guess I could get a regular agenda and, I don’t know, draw some rainbows on it, maybe? What makes an agenda gay? I have no idea.
I once got into an argument with the squawky-talk box at the Burger King drive through.
This was many years ago when I worked regular midnight shifts. I was on my way home from work, around 8:00. I was hungry but I’d been up for over eighteen hours so I just wanted to get my food, go home, and sleep.
Amongst my fast food breakfast selections, I asked for a large order of hash browns. The staticky replied came back, “I’m sorry, we don’t have a large size hash browns. We only have two sizes, small and medium.”
As I mentioned, this was several years ago, before “literally” was accepted as meaning “not literally at all,” people could still reasonably expect words to mean what they actually mean.
So I explained to the squawky box, making sure to maintain eye contact with the speaker-grill so as to create a rapport and environment of friendly compassion, “If you have two sizes and one of them is small, the other one must be large.”
Patiently, as if explaining quantum physics to a child, the sqawky box told me, “No, we only have small and medium.”
“That’s stupid,” I pointed out. “Medium is defined by the fact that it is the size between small and large. That’s what medium size means. It doesn’t mean not-small. Medium is medium. Not-small is large.”
“uh… But we don’t have a button for large hash browns.” Well, that was it. He won.
“Screw it. Give me two small orders of hash browns.”
It’s not always easy, but try to be nice to each other.