January 3, 2014 by T. Gregory Argall
Happy New Year.
It’s the start of a new calendar cycle, a time to look forward to great things lurking just beyond the horizon, in anticipation of the next wonderful whatever we talk about next.
Truly, impatience is the greatest of human virtues.
And so, with that in mind, I present to you my predictions for 2014.
– Kevin Costner, against all likelihood, will appear in every film released in 2014.
– Really hard math will be outlawed throughout 37 US states and five Canadian provinces. Mainly just the stuff that, really, when are you ever going to need to know how to do that?
– Nutella, The Vengeance. ‘Nuff said.
– With the prevalence of cell phone video and wifi access, everyone in the world will have their own self-produced reality show, watched primarily by their relatives and few close friends who feel obligated to pretend to care. Most programs will be canceled after only a few episodes and we’ll all have to go back to actually talking to each other. At least until the rash of special reunion episodes isolate everyone again.
– Kanye West will implode. I mean this not in a Britney-Spears-shaved-her-head sense but in an actual, physical, scientific sense. The size of his ego will continue to grow until its sheer weight causes it to collapse in on itself, creating a small black hole. (Semantically, it’s a subtle difference, if you assume three specific letters in front of the word “hole”.) The collapsing singularity will suck physical matter into the infinitely compressed nothingness of Kanye’s ego, destroying everything in its path. At first only Kardshians will be lost, but eventual actual people will also be affected. The impending destruction of our planet (which unwittingly began with the 1999 release of the Go-Getters only studio album, the now-ironically named World Record Holders) will ultimately be halted by flinging Miley Cyrus into the Kanye-void, allowing her ego to plug his and save the world. Also, as a beneficial side-effect, not only will they cease to exit in the ego-collapse, but the resultant temporal ripple will erase both of them from history, leaving a much better world for us all.
– Jen Gardiner will complain about the weather.
– Five Canadian provinces and 37 US states will be destroyed by angry, frustrated space aliens seeking anyone who can explain algebraic expressions to them.
– I will be mocked for my uncharacteristic knowledge of Kanye West trivia, but I just checked his Wikipedia page. Honest. And really, it’s Kanye West, it’s all trivial.
– The sun will rise 365 times in 2014. There will be a comparable number of sunsets, as well.
– Tuna meringue pie, cat jerky, and sweatsicles will finally find their culinary audience thanks to the ubiquitousness of fringe cooking shows on television. However, bacon-infused matzah balls remain snubbed and ignored.
Looks like we’ll all have an interesting 2014. Enjoy.
And try to be nice to each other.