Would you like to Olympicize that?

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July 26, 2013 by T. Gregory Argall

We are just over three years away from the Games of the XXXIst Olympiad, or as they’ll be known in the host city of Rio de Jeneiro, Brazil, Jogos Olímpicos de Verão de 2016 com o congestionamento do tráfego, preços inflacionados, e alimentos de baixa qualidade, and you can feel the excitement building already.
No, wait… that was just a bit of gas.
See, the thing is, as exciting and inspiring and impressive as the Olympics are, they’re also kind of, well, boring. I mean, we all know that every time television coverage of the gymnastics competition goes to commercial it’s because the Russian judge has fallen asleep again.
And so I’ve come up with a few suggestions for sports that will make the Olympics more interesting.

Solo and team competition

The sport will be presented in conjunction with the tradition javelin throwing competition and the final score will be determined by combining the points from both disciplines.
In solo competition, the athlete, or “catcher” stands in the field at what he or she estimates to be the distance that the javelin thrower will, well, throw the javelin. Predictably, when the javelin is thrown, the catcher attempts to catch the javelin, preferably in a dramatic manner. Initial points are based which body parts are skewered by the javelin. The catcher then moves further down the field, creating as much total distance as possible before collapsing from blood loss.
Team competition is similar, with the added element of catchers from competing nations attempting to intercept a javelin and move it back up the field, closer to the thrower, also before the inevitable collapse due to blood loss.


Bowlers will be equipped with protective helmets and elbow pads, as well as having a modified skateboard strapped to their torso. Actual gameplay is similar to that of traditional ten-pin bowling, except that the bowler does not release the ball.
The rules state that the “bowler’s hand, or part thereof, shall maintain contact with the ball until reaching the end of the lane.” This allows for many variations of style. Some bowlers keep one finger in a hold of the bowling ball, as it rolls down the lane. Other bowlers will simply hold the ball aloft in their hand, relying solely on their own personal momentum to propel them towards the pins. In order for points to be awarded, initial pin-contact must be made by the ball, rather than any part of the bowler’s body.
Also, the pins are wrapped in barbed wire and there are rotating knives on pinwheels positioned randomly along the bowling lane.

I have extensive plans for making other sports less dull, as well. Basketball will be made much more interesting simply by adding spiked helmets and clown shoes. Throwing a few jellyfish into the pool will add a level of excitement and uncertainty previously absent from pretty much all water-related olympic events. Introducing pogo sticks to the sport of fencing is guaranteed to make that competition less staggeringly yawn-inducing.

So, Olympic Committee, call me. We’ll talk. (You’re buying lunch.)



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