Who Moistened My Towelette?

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June 28, 2013 by T. Gregory Argall

The other day I was chatting with a friend about moist towelettes, because, hey, my life is just that interesting. Specifically we were discussing Wet Naps brand moist towelettes. I had noticed that the instructions on the Wet Nap packaging had changed.
First of all, yes, there are instructions. But they are now much simpler than they used to be. Now it simply says to open the packette and use the Wet Nap to wipe your hands. To me, that seems needlessly restrictive.
What if you have a bit of mustard on your cheek after a particularly enthusiastic devouring of a deluxe cheeseburger? Are you no longer permited by the new Wet Nap guidelines to wipe the mustard from your face? Are Wet Naps now solely for hand use and nothing more? Would accidental contact with your wrist result in a sternly worded letter from the Wet Nap army of lawyers?
Could you use that letter to wipe the mustard from your cheek?

However, as limiting and non-flexible as the new Wet Nap instructions may be, the old instructions had their own set of issues.
Years ago I was amazed to see the four steps in the Wet Naps instructions. No, really, back in the day, using a Wet Nap was a four step process, much like launching a nuclear missile or quitting a third of your drinking.
Those steps (for Wet Naps, not for missiles or drinking) were as follows…

1. Tear open packette.
2. Remove towelette.
3. Unfold towelette.
4. Use.

It seemed to me that if you needed help to get that far, then simply saying “Use” might be a little too vague and non-specific.
“Use? Use it as what? A hat? A car? A tv remote?”
Being a youthful rebel at the time (as opposed to the old crotchety rebel that I am today) I would “use” the Wet Nap to make soggy origami animals, the droopiest swans you’ve ever seen.

My friend commented that as a child she’s always hated and distrusted Wet Naps as well as other brands of moist towelette. To her the term “moist towelette” seemed to suggest that it may have been pre-used. Joeann also pointed out that it was also incredibly rough yet dripping wet. How does that happen unless it’s sandpaper or wood?

Then, having exhausted the conversational potential of Wet Naps, we moved on to discussing artificially assisted flight for penguins. (Penguins with jet packs. It’s the future, man!)

And before you think I’ve missed the obvious joke, here it is….
The name Wet Nap sounds like a bladder control problem while snoozing on the sofa.

tga

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