June 21, 2013 by T. Gregory Argall
While desperately scrolling through the archives of my old crappy blue website in search of filler because I have nothing for this week’s blog posting, I stumbled across the FAQ.
It occurred to me that many of these questions are still asked frequently and are still relevant to modern life.
All right, I was rationalizing because I’d left it too long and was faced with posting a blank page this week. While that would have been a wonderfully avant garde minimalist statement on the emptiness of on-line existence, it would also have been a stupid thing to put on a blog.
So you get FAQ from the depths of my past instead. Enjoy…
Frequently Asked Questions
How are you?
- Fine, thanks.
Can I help you?
- Yes, I’d like the blue one on the shelf behind you. No, the blue one. That’s green. I want the blue one. Blue. Blue. That one. To the left. Left. The blue one on the left! Oh, forget it. I’ll buy one somewhere else. Goodbye!
Are we there yet?
- No. Get out and walk.
What the heck is that?
- I don’t know. It’s pretty ugly, though. Until we know for sure, I think you should breathe through a damp cloth and wear latex gloves when you touch it.
- Hell, yeah!
- Who cares?
What time is it?
- 4:17 – This answer was correct when I wrote this and, henceforth, it will be correct twice a day. If it is not currently correct when you read this, well, that’s your problem.
Do you want fries with that?
- Wow, I guess I do want fries with. I hadn’t realized until you asked just how much I do want fries. Thank God you’re here to assist me with your wisdom and guidance or I would simply have settled for getting what I actually ordered. I probably would have starved without your help. I would have, at least, been a bit peckish later. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All praise the counter help. On second thought, no, I don’t want fries. Thanks anyway.
What is it, Lassie? Timmy fell down the well?
- Uh, yeah. Woof. Timmy fell down the well. That’s it. It’s not like I killed him and buried him in the backyard because he ticked me off with that stupid pretending-to-throw-the-ball trick. No, nothing like that. He fell down the well. Just like you said. Yeah. Uh, woof.
Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
- It’s a banana. I’m not happy to see you at all. I can’t stand you. I’m going to sit here and eat my banana until you go away.
Hey, Dogg, whut up?
- Gosh, T-Biskit, things’re just swell. Golly.