Battle of the Pants


April 5, 2013 by T. Gregory Argall

There is a vast, insidious conspiracy afoot, designed to sow confusion and frustration in the guise of patterned order and consistency. The intent seems to be to breed resentment and anger, as well as backpain. It will lead to the downfall of society.
At the very least, it pisses me off, and that’s like the downfall of society, isn’t it?

I am talking, of course, about size-based displays at clothing stores. But you’d already guessed that, hadn’t you?

I’m 6’5″ and about 270 lbs. I’m a big guy. Through a dedicated commitment to lowering the number of pizzas I eat each week, I’ve managed to bring my waist size down to an uncomfortable 42 inches, mainly by letting my belly rest on top of my belt. I went to buy new jeans a couple of weeks ago and as I stood looking at the full wall of shelved denim, I noted that the sizes were categorized not only from smallest to largest, but also from left to right, top to bottom, much like the words on a page, or indeed, this blog.
Consider that for a moment. Jeans with a 28 inch waist are kept on a shelf over six feet above the floor, while jeans with a 42 inch waist (the jeans I want) are kept basically at floor level. As I crawled along on my hands and knees, sorting through pants, hunting for my particular waist/leg-length combination, I found a pair of jeans with a 52 inch waist… on the bottom shelf! I seriously begrudged the imposition of having to lie on the floor to find pants. I imaging someone with a 52 inch waist would just turn and walk away, taking his business elsewhere.
In the shirt section, the story is the same. 14 inch collars are on the upper left. My 18½ inch collar is at the lower right. Again, I must to stoop to clothe myself. Show store, same again. I’ve got size 5 shoes at my eye-level, but the size 13s I want are on the bottom shelf and the aisle isn’t wide enough for me to just step back and get a good angle of sight to read the label on the box.
Meanwhile, there’s a 5’1″ dude getting pissed off because he can’t reach the shoes, shirts, or pants that fit him.

Friends, this is just wrong. We, as consumers, should not be treated this way.

It is time to rise up and demand that retail clothing displays be turned upside down. We’ll do it ourselves if we have to.
We, the people of varying sizes, hereby issue this unlimatum to the retail clothing oligarchy… It is time to change your ways. Display larger sizes at the top where the larger people can see them, and smaller sizes lower down where smaller people can reach them. You have three weeks. If you do not comply with this simple request, we will take matters into our own hands and we, the people of varying sizes, will re-arrange your display shelve into a pattern more conducive to actually finding what we need.

Trust me, it’s in your best interest to do what we ask. If we can easily find what we want/need in you store, then we will buy it. That’s what you want, isn’t it?
Or are you truly intent on bringing about the downfall of society?



3 thoughts on “Battle of the Pants

  1. aryeahunt says:

    My words, exactly…well perhaps not exactly, but very close to the words I would have chosen had I the thought to write this wonderfully honest article, minus the occasional profanity and slip off topic that might have occurred had I been the author. However, I was not the author, you were and I am so very glad! Well done.

  2. Clark says:

    We could all become nudists, I suppose, but…

  3. […] weeks ago I issued an ulitmatum to the retail clothing industry demanding that they shelve their wares in such a way that people can actually reach the sizes they […]

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